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Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who the heck is giving them medical attention?!
I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
It`s funny to watch all these people Bumping Up their own posts.
I hate Cheetos stains on my peignoir.........
Man, that .01% of germs that can´t be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad a$$ sh!t
GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask, " Notice anything different?`... works EVERY time
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Girl says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian??
If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don’t need it to add up all the ladies you get….
My son wants to be a shrink when he grows up... Clearly I`ve failed to teach him our family`s place in the psychiatric process...
Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Don`t question my laziness
They`re all cop cars when you`re this high.
“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.
I think some people just log into Facebook just to send me game requests.