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It`s impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
I only drink alcohol because there aren`t enough ways to eat it.
Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
Actually I don`t think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.
I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now Iām legally required to pee sitting down.
I puked in the backseat of my friend`s brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1989. There wasn`t any social networking back then, so I`m telling you all now...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HOPE YOU HAVE AN AMAZING DAY!! (To all of my FB friends, please don`t read this until the appropriate day)
The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.
Have you ever noticed that half way through the ColonialPenn insurance commercial, Alex Trebek tries to pull a Jedi-Mind-Trick on us.... "This is the insurance you are looking for." (I didn`t get enough sleep last night.)
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.
I try and inspire at least one person everyday to leave me the f*ck alone.
Of course I`m crazy, but that doesn`t mean I`m wrong