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What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common? There was a DUMBASS who didn`t take it out in time.
I`ll show up at the gym when they put in a drive-thru.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don`t give a damn!
I think I`m gonna glue my thumbs to my nipples and pretend I`m a T-Rex.
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Every conversation should come with a snooze button. That way if you`re being too boring, I can push a button and keep you from talking for the next 10 minutes.
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
Any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn’t convenient at all.
I assume that a Columbus Day sale means I can just walk into a store and take whatever I want.
Well it`s almost time for that " New Year -- New Me " bullsh_t again!
Benefits of hooking up with me: You will be hooking up with me. I could go on but I think I made my point.
I didn’t get the job… heading home.. Good Bye Rome.. until we meet again.
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.