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It`s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside.
The fox says you need to stop.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to "what would you do if you won the lottery"
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words "wet and slippery" at work all day without anyone thinking I`m a big perv.
If I`ve learned anything from Facebook, it`s that you shouldn`t be learning on Facebook.
whoo hoo...I have new gutters. Please try and keep your mind out of them.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
cofeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffee... Wheeeeeeeeee!
Sorry, I didn`t get your text...Just kidding, I ignored that sh!t.
Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" Obviouly, I thought I was going to get away with it!
Just dropped off some film to be processed. More on this story as it develops.
When reality kicks in… add more booze.
Starbucks isn`t really that expensive compared to how much Victoria`s Secret charges per cup.