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People say "Happy Thanksgiving" which is nice, but then they ruin it by saying "Don`t eat too much". Do they want me to have a Happy Thanksgiving or not?
My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
Right before I die, my last words will be, "I left a million dollars in the........
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
Life is so unfair, why do we always want what we don`t have? For example, right now I want tacos
If you`re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it, now I live in constant fear.
Ride me like you stole me.
Life Tip: Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.
Sometimes it takes me a full 8 hours to get nothing done.
The last time I went to a nude beach I got a ticket. The officer said I was applying my sunscreen...Too Fast.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that`s just for the alcohol.
It`s amazing what you can accomplish when you do stuff.
I did a terrible job preparing for my Blue Man Group audition and boy is my face red