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Beer is good, but beers are better.
Ok honey don’t freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn’t do the dishes.
I was a huge tomboy. Like, I had barbies, but only because my ninja turtles needed bitches.
I just found out the neighborhood is having a meeting about the creepy guy. ..Its weird that they forgot to invite me ..
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."
You can dress for success or undress for it. It depends on what type of work you want.
When someone says “You just made my day,” it makes my day.
I just threw a piece of food on the floor of my cubicle. Totally forgot my dog doesn`t work here.
I try to live each day like it`s my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?
90% of being a dad is yelling about doors being left open while the air conditioning is running.
Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn`t want to talk too.
Sometimes you just have to logout...
Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.
Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet.