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Welcome to my Facebook wall. Straight jackets are on your left, meds are on the table, and if you hurry, you can still get a seat in group therapy . . . have fun!
I would like to think that I`ll die heroic death saving someone`s life but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my shoelaces and choke on a spoonful of Nutella.
Breaking News: Tuesdays suck just as much as Mondays.
Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don`t quote me!
The best way to scare a man is to use the urinal stall next to him. This works exceptionally well if you are a woman.
If a bra is called an `Over the shoulder bolder holder,` then would you call men`s underwear `Under the butt nut hut?`
The fridge is a clear example that what matters is what`s inside.
Life Rule #17: Always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, ...just incase.
To save time, lets just assume I am never wrong ;)
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
Why is it never opportunity that`s knocking? Instead, it`s usually cops with a warrant...
2013 is the first year since 1987 to have 4 different numbers… carry on.
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.