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This hangover feels like Quentin Tarantino directed it.
Hi I’m a spider & I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
Sunglasses: I don’t want to make awkward eye contact with certain people.
New word of the day: Stupidiot!!
"Friendzoned" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
I`m drinking like there`s snow tomorrow.
Please, lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won`t spoil me!
I don`t get why people find drunk texts annoying. You`re the person they`re thinking of when their brain can`t even function properly.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg, and some days you`re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
When one door closes it`s probably because someone shut it.
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.
My facebook has been rated PG for Poor Guy
I don`t get in trouble, I just get into questionable situations.
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling