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Wine: How classy people get trashed.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
2017 didn`t need that extra hour back.
My doctor said I`m healthy enough for sexual activity ... I`m just not attractive enough.
So I was looking at my boyfriends facebook page and saw a ton of girls saying they love him. He`s obviously cheating on me. We are so over Zac Efron.
I`m putting more thought into my Halloween costume than into my job.
Putting a light in the refrigerator is God`s way of telling us that it`s okay to eat before going to bed.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary: 1) There are 1`s and 0`s 10) There are no 2`s
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I`d never be bored again.
Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard.
Defies physics: I eat half a pound of food, `purge` 1 pound of it, and then gain five pounds because of it-- WTF?
You don’t have to be drunk to love me, but it helps
Wow, it`s beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn`t a glare on my screen.