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I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser.
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
Have you ever wondered what a job application at Hooters is like? Maybe they just give you a bra and say, “here, fill this out”.
When I see people drinking at 11 am on a Friday I`m like, where do you work and are they hiring?
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
Learn cursive, they said. You`ll need it your whole life, they said.
I like to pee on car windows in subzero weather, happy scraping
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.
Hillybilly Word Of The Day.."Twerk"..."Welp, I`m done with lunch so I`d better get back twerk!"
Jehovah`s witnesses would probably be welcomed into more houses if they brought booze or cookies.
i only drink on days that end with y
It`s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that`s my cat and we`re not done with our accupuncture session.
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.