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What idiot called it "best man" instead of "lord of the rings"
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body. Some people are capable of getting on every last one of them.
If your wife asks you if you know where the broom is, it`s not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.
A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you`re single: priceless!
Just as I predicted, today was in fact a new day!
Girls who don`t get naked when you`re drunk.. Explain yourselves.
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
I try to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
There`s something I need to get off my chest: Darned Cheetos crumbs.
When your parties have glasses instead of red cups, you’re a grown up.
why were you in my dreams again? i`m starting to think you`re stalking me.
I`ve been told I`m doing exceedingly well in my exaggeration therapy class, I think it`s because I`ve been giving it 180 percent.
one day a man seen a fairy, and asked.... could you make me irresistible to all women.... so she turned him into a credit card. :`D
I hate that little line of dirt that I can never get into the dust pan.
If you put a "Student Driver" sign on top of your car, Nobody will ever suspect you of drunk driving.