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A friend doesn`t question your motive, they just keep their mouth shut and dig.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
My life`s paradox: I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
If you want to get me to do something, bribery does work.
Bring a CD into my car that I "have to hear" and I`ll figure out a way to deploy the passenger side airbags
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
Where 5 minutes becomes 5 hours. Facebook.
Before McDonald`s I bet "don`t buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule.
Helpful tip #12: Never buy all the tools you need to kidnap, kill and bury someone from just one store.
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
I feel like doing something productive today. If I sit here long enough, maybe it will go away.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
If it weren`t for marriage,,, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven does God hide behind the Pearly Gates and pretend he`s not home?