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Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
I didn`t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Going to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me with that needle, I run off yelling `thanks for the free shave loser!`
Wanna try something funny? Go to a bank and yell "NOBODY MOVE..(Scary pause)..I lost a contact lens."
The New iPhone 7 is coming out in August. If you want a sneak peek of the new iPhone. Take a look at your current iPhone and pretend it cost 200 dollars more.
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
I`m starting to think that Dr. Dre isn`t a real doctor after all...
Someday, the time I waste deciding what to watch on Netflix will be shorter than the actual time watching it
Farts are just ghosts of things that we ate. ;D
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?
Day Light savings this weekend is pissing me off, we will lose a hour we will never get back...........wait...thinkin`.....I guess we do....carry on...
No need to blind fold me, just hand me my phone and drive, I won`t have a clue how to get back here
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.