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Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.
Puttin the `eff it` in efficient today.
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.
You can tell a man`s age by how close their socks are to their knees.
didn`t get much sleep last night, I tried counting sheep but they kept cutting in line, confused the hell outta me!!
I went to Jared for my girlfriend`s Christmas gift. I`m sure she will love her Subway gift card.
... and so begins another failed hundred or so attempts at trying to write the correct year on anything I date.
I may be crazy but I say if you can`t talk to yourself, who can you talk to.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can`t see them pick their nose?
I wish all these vegetarians would stop eating my food´s food!