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Dear guys: Women don`t want pictures of your d!ck. Maybe try sending a screenshot of your bank statement and see where things go.
What do you call a woman with big breasts who doesn`t make sandwiches? A compromise.
It`s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can`t even dress the kids properly.
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
Why does Facebook even give me the option to `Like` my own status? Of course I like my status, I`m F*ck!ng Hilarious! ...and Sexy.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
I`m glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn`t do the whole dictionary
I`m so pissed right now! I`m about to open a can of... Wait…WTF??!! Since when did they start putting child-proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass? A little help please...
I don`t know why people say "your guess is as good as mine"? ..because my guesses are always better. ;)
Often think if I`d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Hooray ! My face book film has been nominated for an Academy Award
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the bitch that they claim I am.
My box of animal crackers says "May contain nuts." So I`m inspecting each animal before I eat it...just in case.
Being gay is fine. Being lesbian is fine. Being straight is fine. But do you know what’s not fine? Wearing crocs. That is NOT okay
I’m having a free beer contest tonight. The 1st person to bring me a case of beer gets to watch me drink it. FOR FREE!