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I`m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat`s hair grows back.
Never judge a man ’till you’ve driven a mile with his wife.
"i wasn`t that drunk"..Dude!you tied me to a chair and bitch-slapped me,yelling "where`s Harry Potter!!"
Despite the old saying, "Don`t take your troubles to bed," many women still sleep with their husbands.
The best things in life require no pants.
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood, until they move...
Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you`re counting punches.
In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I`m keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
I don’t make mistakes too often, but when I do it’s your fault.
My boss acts like during March Madness is the only time we`re less productive. Its cute
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.
Unless your name is “Google”, stop acting as if you know everything!
I really like what you`ve done with your crazy.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.