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Two knives taped together are not a suitable alternative to scissors.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
Had a blast doing my Black Friday tradition!!!! I slept!
You can test my patience all you want, but I’m never going to pass.
Why is it when you go to get your drivers license photo, they tell you to smile. Your not smiling when the police pull you over.
I can only please one person a day...and today is not your day!
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
All I`m saying is you don`t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
There is a method to my madness….and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable
I tried kickboxing, but I couldn`t get the hang of walking with boxing gloves on my feet.
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.
“Yes” is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks you’ve consumed.
I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.
A nice kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you. So I popped his balloon with my cigarette and told him so was talking to strangers.
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!