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you need a license to drive, but anyone can have a kid.
The first order of business for the 115th Congress: blaming everything on the 114th Congress.
That logical moment when you`re watching Home Alone 2 wondering how child services haven`t taken him away from his parents yet.
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all.
I`m a wealth of knowledge ... Unless you want it to be true, then I`m pretty solid on about 6 topics ... 2 of those might just be Doritos flavors
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
I woke up with a headache this morning but she went to work.
Did I ever tell you about my old girlfriend? The one with the "Lazy Eye"? I had to break up with her, she was seeing somebody on the side..........................
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Guy test! find the nearest guy by you and repeat to him the following slowly: Door knob, Titanic, Gluestick, Kiwi, Opra Winfey, Shovel, Boobs, Remote, Battery, Furby, Glowstick, Beer, & Xbox. NOW ask him what he remembers before "Boobs"
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
Running away doesn`t help your problems, unless you`re fat. Then yeah, run away.
It’s a holiday. You know what that means… Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.