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I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
I really hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don`t get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...
I`m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out. We are going to watch tv.
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck then it could be a dragon doing a duck impersonation.
iPhone 6: For people who don`t mind holding an iPad up to their ear.
My favorite part about your rant on how much you hate social media sites was when you posted it from a social media site.
Home: Where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
I wish I could select all my responsibilities and press delete.
Currently under the influence of cold and flu medicine...my actions can not be held against me!
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
Remember when you were a kid and all you would use the computer for was paint and space pinball?
"That girl is totally checking you out" said vodka. -Bfanch
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. Then a voice in my head says, " hahaa, good one!" Then we laugh and laugh and take a nap.