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Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left behind by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
Do you want to know Victoria`s Secret? Their lingerie doesn`t look the same on your girlfriend as it does on their models..
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
I don`t always agree with everything I say. :)
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
I`d love to have a sex change. Preferably from `none` to `absolutely sh!tloads`.
Admit it, at some point in time you’ve tried to see if you had superpowers.
Roasting marshmallows is great because it combines dessert and playing with fire.
I`m not mental, other wise the rubber duckies would have told me by now...
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
It`s my birthday. I’m not just a year older, I’m also a year better and prettier ... I know your jealous ;)
Ironman and Batman`s only super powers is being super rich and smart really makes Bill Gates a real disappointment.
My ex-wifes facebook status said "I`m depressed and on the edge"... So I poked her!
There are two types of people in this world, those with common sense and those who have to pee on the electric fence for themselves
I`m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I`ve been to in the last week that`s had "insufficient funds".