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Currently helping my girlfriend look for her chocolates that I ate 5 hours ago...
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Admit it...Life yould be boring without me.
Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.
Looking back at old text messages and Facebook messages and being like "What the hell was I thinking when I said that."
Too bad the little guy "Tattoo" from Fantasy Island isn`t around anymore. They could ask HIM where the plane is!
If you`ve ever wondered which of your friends are really amazing, you`re in luck today. :)
They say that when one door closes, another one opens. Apparently, "they" have never been to jail.
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Happy 4/21! National work drug testing day!
When you send food back to the kitchen, you`re basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."
When I think of all the money I`ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
Several years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.
Iām so glad I was young and stupid before there were camera phones.