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I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
The word "Lovers" bums me out unless it`s between the words "Meat" and "Pizza".
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
That awkward moment, when you wake up with one sock on.
Apparently Home Depot`s slogan of "You can do it; We can help" doesn`t apply to masturbation.
The joy of finding out that your boss is going on a holiday is way greater than you yourself going on one
I have 500 friends and only 499 Birthday wishes on facebook! I`ll remember that when it`s YOUR birthday #405!!!
OMG! I just discovered that if I align them JUST right, that I can make your boobs stand straight up (just like the broom trick)! Message me for an appointment! ;)
I had cheese, but no crackers ... I was cracka-lackin
I liked your facebook update, only so I can unlike it.
"When I grow up, I want to marry a man addicted to video games" ~ No woman ever.
An egg salad is really just a chicken salad that is really underdone.
I`d stop disappointing you, if you stopped expecting me to do stuff.
From now on when I accept a friend request I`ll just write on their wall: You belong to me now.
The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of your own sentence, that way they will just think you lost service.