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My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
I don`t hate you. I just hope your next period happens while you`re in a shark tank!
Why is maple syrup so expensive?.. It grows on trees doesn`t it?
I`m happy that my grandma thinks that a iPad is for wet and leaking eyes
No, I didn`t accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
Facebook needs a "slap a b!tch button"
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
None of my girlfriends even know they`re dating me.
Some people`s lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
M?o?n?, T?u?e?s?, W?e?d?, T?h?u?r?s?, Friday !!!!
Love your neighbor. But don`t get caught.
Well, I’m bored again. Time to open the fridge
A murderer was about to be put to death in the electric chair. "Do you have any last requests?" asked the chaplain. "One," he replied. "Will you hold my hand?"
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because it happened. -Me, to my empty pizza box