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If I won the lottery, I could make a whole lotta people miserable
Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
In a parallel alternate universe, my cat and my dog have jobs and I chill at home.
I`ll be a morning person when it`s Christmas.
Please, if I ever offend you, it’s because I meant to.
I`d share my Netflix login but I`m too embarrassed by "My List".
m for Monday t for Tuesday wtf Wednesday Thursday Friday get it wtf
The first rule of the OCD Club is to have a second rule so there is an even number of rules.
I`m tired of people assuming I`ve got a good personality because I`m ugly.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
A young man gets sent to jail,and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk."Let`s play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy." "Then come up here and suck Mommy`s d!ck."
Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.