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Which wine goes best with more wine?
Question : if you fart at the gym can people wearing headphones still smell it? Asking for a friend
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some sh!t.
Ways to die: Steal my food.
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider’s home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy…you just hoped nobody found out.
Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, if that doesn`t accurately describe my life I don`t know what does
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box for me to start a campfire?
I`ve noticed that the squirrels are gathering nuts for the winter. Couple of my friends are missing...
You know one thing i really like about you is that you dont like anything about me.
Don’t start an argument with a girl because they have 45030194 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 2:27PM on April 23rd 2008.
The best thing about weed is it teaches you that it`s okay to take 35 minutes to make a sandwich
If you don`t believe that women will actually fight over a pair of shoes, you`ve never watched The Wizard of Oz!
No Grandma, "sausage fest" is not a new special breakfast at IHOP
I hate fake people...especially the ones at the mall advertising clothes in front of the stores