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If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick: My girlfriend.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
You know your phone can take pictures of other people too right? Just checking.
If I had a cooking show, it would be called “Do You Smell Something Burning?”
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
I would like to be a Disney Princess...You know, where I have random animals showing up to help with the housework!
If I`m guilty of anything, it`s loving too much. And several outstanding speeding tickets. But mostly loving too much.
It`s depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven`t pooped it out yet ... Really scared now!
Trust me... You don`t want my undivided attention.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Bored? Simply send a text message to a random number saying..."I`m Pregnant!"
Trying to remain humble but I’m the most famous person in my living room right now.