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I don`t think I could love any person as much as I love BACON... Mmmmm Bacon...
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone`s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.
Right now, a future teen mom is applying copious amounts of body glitter to herself.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
oh look at the time, it`s time to not care
My neighbor was singing in the shower again this morning. I didn’t mind though as I can`t hear anything through the telescope.
I`m kinda like an onion, not in some deep I have layers way, but if you see me naked, you`ll cry.
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
I wish real life had as many ejection seats as cartoons.
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”