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I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
Does this green St Patrick`s Day beer count as a vegetable.
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
The only time I`ve ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.
Dyslexics of the world.. UNTIE!
Sleeping is so difficult when you have a world awake in your phone.
What if all this time it`s been Chicken that taste like Frog legs????
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
Man what a day. I pulled my groin...for like 20 minutes.
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.
I`m more of a "the glass is half shattered into a million tiny pieces" person.
Man I love watching women`s curling in the Olympics. It`s the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.
Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it.