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I`m going to a wedding rehearsal this weekend. Wedding rehearsals are the only time you see someone practice making a mistake.
Kiss her in the middle of her sentence so you don`t have to hear what she`s talking about.
Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.
My plan for today? Same as always: Drink coffee and be sexy.
You know it´s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
If I can`t convince you, I will sure as hell confuse you.
A cop pulled me over and said ``Papers...`` So I said, ``Scissors, I win!`` and drove off like a boss!
If your having a bad day, remember that somewhere on this big planet, someone just lost their straw in a capri sun!!
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
The saying, "Say no to drugs" has always made me laugh. If you`re talking to drugs, it`s probably too late to say no to them.
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn`t related to any of them