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If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Nothing says “I don’t give a sh!t” like a Hawaiian shirt.
These old people at the bus stop really suck at paintball.
I don`t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.
Do you think people in Mexico ever say, "Those jobs keep stealing all our Mexic?ns!"
Very productive day today, turd-wise
Here`s a joke for all you mind readers...
I`m the type of person that would thrive in solitary confinement.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
I`m not fat. My stomach is in 3D
Yes, I talk to myself...Yes, I answer myself and Yes, I argue with myself....and the makeup sex is awesome.
Hey mother in law.... Don`t tell me how to raise my kids. Im still trying to raise yours.
I`d like to have a child one day ... Two days, tops.
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.