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McDonald`s should have a 3rd window, where you can trade in all the wrong sh!t they gave you at the second window.
Snoring is just God`s way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.
I am sick of people thinking deodorant is optional.
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
Let`s go to my place and do the things I`ll tell everyone we did anyway.
Turbo Tax might just be the worst video game I`ve ever played.
If cleanliness is next to godliness, then my car is Satan`s chariot.
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
Have you ever said something and immediately thought “I didn’t know I knew that."
Ladies first. Because it might be dangerous.
I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.
Crazy is like diarrhea. You can only hold it in for so long.
People are obsessed with this storm but in a couple months no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.
Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I`m now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.