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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
Do you think in the spirit world they have TV shows about trying to make contact with the living?
There may be no excuse for laziness, but Iām still looking.
Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things
No, Iām not funny. Iām just really mean and everyone thinks Iām joking.
joined a nudist colony last week ... the first few days were the hardest!
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
When a man says he`ll do anything for a woman, he means slaying dragons, killing zombies and rescuing her from castle towers. IT DOES NOT MEAN cleaning garage, fixing roof and cleaning out the basement!
Well I made it through the day without beating anyone with a chair. I`d say my people skills are improving.
You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.
Just once I would like to see a liars pants actually catch on fire
Pocketwatches were replaced by wristwatches, which became digitalwatches, which were replaced by mobile phones. Which we keep in our pockets
Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it`s voice activated. I`m at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
In the word "scent" is it the s that is silent or the c?