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Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
Some relationships are like fat people, they don`t Workout!!
A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn`t answer the phone.
So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you`ve fallen off the face of the earth?
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
Well...today is the day. Just gotta build up the nerve to tell my dog she is adopted.
I’m going to the gym because I heard they have free weights. I wonder how many they’ll let me take?
"Polar bears can`t jump." - Black bears
Next time a guy asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If he manages to call you, he`s a keeper.
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
Just realized all books are different combinations of the same 26 letters. This is BS!
Dear Life, Please, use a Lubricant.
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.
if drinking destroys your memory .... what does drinking do ?