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I don`t wanna make this weird but that`s just kinda how I do things.
Who the hell is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?
When you have a lot, you have hair. When you only have a few, you have hairs.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Don`t hate every single one of your friends yet? Get Facebook.
I don`t always say `oops`, but when I do, it`s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
Don`t play dumb with me. That`s a game you can`t win.
A court date is still technically a date, right?
Tonight I’m going to have my favorite drink. It’s called “a lot.”
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up and play dead and they usually leave you alone.
My status would be a lot funnier if you could see my back-up dancers.
I am really glad the shutdown is over. I`ll tell you something, it was very lonely being the only nonessential employee who was working.
People say nails on a chalkboard is the worst sound ever... I think it`s the alarm clock in the morning.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered is god playing angry birds hmm