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wondering if today is a good day to implement my plan...
Ever work out and think "wow I really needed that"? That`s how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.
Just so we’re on the same page, I’m on 43.
It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
I`m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You`re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what`s going on here.
This year for Lent I`m giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then...
I hate lying to kids but my daughter asked me what twerking was and I told her it was when identical twins go to each others` jobs
The downside of being a bomb disposal technician. It takes 6 hours to open Christmas gifts.
The most frustrating thing about watching Nascar is that they never signal
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever...
Porn can be so misleading. I quit my pizza delivery job after two days.