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Couldn`t stop thinking about that drought on the west coast while I was watering my driveway today.
I`m as nutty as a squirell fart
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
Forecast for the weekend... mild alcoholism, with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement. Increasing chance of regret and hangover for Sunday.
One would have to assume that Amish chicks carve their own sex toys.
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
If Wyle E Coyote had enough cash to buy all that ACME stuff why didn’t he just buy dinner?
Five little words that will win my heart, "I brought beer and pizza."
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
“How are feeling today?” is a polite reminder that you were a mess the night before.
First thing I do in the morning: Look at the clock and hope I have more time to sleep.
I`m starting to think that all those hours in school, when I practiced writing my autograph, was just a waste of time.....
Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows
I`m not saying my ex wasn`t pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.