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My wife and I decided to make our own sex tape. She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part.
State of mind is in no mind to state its state of mind.
Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business.
I was sad, because I had no shoes. Until I met a man that had no feet. So, I took his shoes, cuz hey, he wan`t using them anyway!
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
Don`t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.
I have just one thing to ask you people who say the memory is the first thing to go: What did I come in here for?
My number one rule to live by is: Don’t die.
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
My therapist says I should quit talking to myself.
If we start calling it `potato juice`, Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT?
it`s a fact that flies on screens are not afraid of cursors
I haven`t lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.
Don`t let this historic Cubs World Series win distract you from the fact that Donkey never made Shrek those waffles he promised to make.
12 year olds having sex ? Im sorry when i was 12 i was to afraid to pull my foreskin back incase my d*ck fell out.