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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Remember way back when the only thing that was annoying on your feed were game requests?
If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.
Brains are awesome! I wish everyone had one...
Today is the first day of the rest of my Vodka.
I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say `I would do anything for love`. On the back, `But I wont do that!`
It`s a good idea to test your immune system from time to time by eating a gas station hot dog
My plan for today? Same as always: Drink coffee and be sexy.
Use Angie`s List if you want a plumber to come over. Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Every paper towel commercial just reminds me that the cleanest option is to just not have children.
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
Save water, shower together.
Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table... It’s what they want.
I like to think that people that unfriend me wake up months later regretting that irreversible and life altering decision.