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Men like football because the priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man’s life…. Scoring and Ball Security.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I`m hoping that she`s having an affair.
I`ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I do take my job seriously; To make sure there are no day old donuts at the local coffees shop.
I remember when the internet was two tin cans and a string.
Big deal, Times Square, I drop the ball at least twice a week.
When I tell stories about people I don’t like, I give them ridiculous voices.
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
I was going to LIKE and compliment your FB pic, but I`m not a good liar.
I`m pretty sure even Santa wishes they would stop playing Christmas music on the radio this time of year.
you know it`s a good fart when it wakes you from a dead sleep and you pull a butt muscle at the same time.
It makes me sad that the closest I`ll ever get to `hulking out` is splitting my trousers when I bend over.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Handy tip for new parents : Wake up your baby by gently resting your head on a pillow.