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My wife started clipping coupons to help save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
One man`s sarcastic answer, is another man`s stupid question
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
The only people who care about my college degree are the college loan people.
How come know-it-alls don`t know how annoying they are?
I walked into SeaWorld with a fishing pole once. I gotta tell ya, those security guards can really run.
I eat tacos over a tortilla so that way when stuff falls out Boom another taco.
It`s gonna be hotter than Billy Ray Cyrus after watching his daughters performance on the VMA`s tomorrow!
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.
When I was a kid, I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.
You know you had an awesome night when you need sunglasses to get food out the fridge.
My ex said he would die for me. All I`m saying is, it was his suggestion.
"Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.
I may be asking too much of this coffee.