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How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
If your camel toe looks like a elephants hoof, you might want to rethink the yoga pants.
I followed my heart...now I`m at the liqour store
Time flies when you`re throwing watches.
You`re an intellectual who doesn`t read books? I completely understand because I`m an athlete that rarely moves.
Did Humpty Dumpty sue them motherf*ckers for making that wall so high?
Okay, I am getting really irritated. This is the 5th ATM I`ve been to today that`s had "insufficient funds".
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to f*ck off today, you’ll feel better.
*Sees my name in a math textbook* class: *stares at me* me: "yeah b!tches I bought 60 watermelons"
Only a fool trips on what`s behind him.
Telling people your phone is gonna die, But you really just don’t want to text them.
If you don`t do stupid sh!t while you`re young, you`ll have nothing to talk about later in life while sitting at the bar.
Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you`re no detective
Did we try giving the government a snickers?