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Kiss me I`m Irish, put a little tongue in it, I`m French too
I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn`t just "lay in bed and watch TV all day" I traveled very far thank u
So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.
I have a coffee table in my house. It`s decaffeinated but you would never know it by looking at it.
This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.
If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there`s a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.
Just saw Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter... So that`s how it happened! I knew what I learned in history class was a bunch of crap!
How can Wal-mart have a bazillion carts and everyone with at least one wobbly wheel?
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks, why is there a light in the fridge??
Saw my ex with another guy at a bar last night. So I ordered a beer, took a few sips, walked over to their table, gave her date the rest of my drink and walked away... #leftovers
Sometimes I add things to my to-do list that I’ve already done just so I can immediately cross them off.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at cupcakes.
If anyone knows Phillip tell him I have a bunch of his screwdrivers.