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That urge you get to write, "No one cares" on someone`s status.
I only drink alcohol because there aren`t enough ways to eat it.
The older I get the more I understand Squidward`s anger.
Four words that I never want to hear: we`re out of beer
Saying that your company has been in business since the 1800`s isn`t a selling point. Slavery existed then too...
Inspirational status of the day: Don`t be a douche.
Farting isn`t ladylike? Well, neither is giving a blowjob, but I have never heard you complaining about that!
Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.
Saw a bird sh*t on my car, so I ate scrambled eggs on my front step, just to show him what I`m capable of.
You can`t control who comes into your life. But you can control which window you throw them out of.
Thanks for the free weekend offer E-Harmony but my wife said I can`t use it.
Somewhere, right now.. One of my Facebook friends is already drunk!
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever...
So, All my exes live in Texas; Exactly, how does one go about scheduling a tornado ?