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I fell asleep on the couch last night & woke up thinking I was married.
People who are offended by offensive things offend me.
Two Best Advices For Safe Life : 1. Always Speak The Truth, No Matter How Bitter Harsh It Is ... 2. Run Immediately After Saying It..
You`d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car ... But I won`t
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Never take advice from me, you`ll only end up drunk......
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
How can it be considered stealing when the WiFi signal is trespassing in my house?
You will never find the right person, if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
I try to do all my pooping at work. Cause if you can get paid to poop, you`d be a fool not to.
I just changed my relationship status from “left hand” to “right hand”…
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
Oh really? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take to mind your own business
Dear small line of dirt that wont go in the dustpan… Screw you.