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Some of the nicest women you`ll meet on Facebook are men.
Why put off `til tomorrow what you can premeditate today.
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
I`m the kind of crazy you weren`t warned about because no one knew this level existed.
Is it wrong to swallow my multi-vitamin with a beer?
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
I`ve just been hit in the head with a werthers, and I thought........... That`s original!!!
I`ve been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I`ve lost is 14 days.
So, which one of you is going to be the subject of your local news` annual turkey fryer accident story?
Why do people say ``I saw it with my own eyes." Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
A "Tap Out" sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
One of the biggest decisions when you go to college is whether to join a fraternity or just be an asshole on your own.
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. I’m not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.