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I’m the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I’m asleep.
Just put my money where my mouth is. Pennies taste disgusting.
ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them
I will write something profound ... subsoil!
honestly I`ve never seen a tombstone that read "died from not forwarding a text to 10 people"
That awkward moment when the majority of people think your status is stupid.
I`m gonna hang a Batman costume in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
I hate it when auto-correct changes my "omg" to "OMG" like, chill out, I`m not that surprised.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don`t.
Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn`t she?
If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
I`d rather SH!T in my hands and clap!
Getting told I can`t do something gives me all the motivation I need to get things done.
I`m a little Stressed right now ... Just turn around and leave quietly and no one gets hurt.