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I hate having to work for a living. But I hate starving even more.
I`m 5`5" and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Hardest thing in life: Trying to look happy when no money falls out of your birthday card.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
We`re all brave until we realize the cockroach has wings
I am Bad and thats Good. I will never be Good and thats not Bad. There`s no one i`d rather be than ME.
I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”
If she is still able to walk to the kitchen after s@x , you don`t deserve a sandwich.
I tried to be a Rap Singer once. Sadly my rap album, `I Respect the Police & the Risks They Take to Keep My Community Safe`, didn`t do too well on iTunes.
I`m back in the HR office today. In my defense my coworker very plainly said "stick a fork in me, I`m done"
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
“Nothing is impossible.” I disagree. I’m doing nothing right now… it’s totally possible.
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.