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I wonder if "Sober Me" knows that "Drunk Me" can Breakdance?
If your camel toe looks like a elephants hoof, you might want to rethink the yoga pants.
It`s a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.
The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won`t need to adjust her driving.
"Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something
I`d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
This Tequila tastes like an afternoon of fun and bad decisions.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Don`t mix Viagra with Iron Supplements. It will cause you to spin around and point north.
Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
I don’t care how loud I’m laughing, I’m having fun and you’re not.
I wish my bank account refilled as fast as my laundry basket.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It`s simple. If it`s clean, it`s on the floor. If it`s dirty, it`s on the floor over there.