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Lets face it we have all tried to get something done before the microwave timer goes off.
I think the cats are hording all the single women out there...
I like restaurants because the people have to be nice and feed you.
When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.
Did you know that if you light a candle under the moonlight and you say 3 times the name of the person you love, you will look really stupid doing that!
why hello there stalker! Enjoying my profile?(=
Facebook taught me to mind everyone else`s business.
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.
How many Oreos is too many?...Is it 25?...I feel like it should be more than 25
It took me quite some time to be this good a procrastinator
Don`t get into a relationship with someone unless they love you as much as Kim Kardashian loves Kim Kardashian.
Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.
If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.