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My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.
I don’t like being told what to do unless I’m naked.
He is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
I`m selling my browser history on eBay before the government does.
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
This earthquake was the first time that I`ve ever said, "it was 4.7, but felt bigger."
What if 11:11 actually works but there`s one person in this world that`s wishing for everyone`s wishes to not come true?
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.
Life is like “Facebook” – People will like your problems & comment; But no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.
I hate when the weather man says there is a chance of sprinkles in the forecast...makes me want donuts!!
Time to turn over a new leaf ... With my luck it’ll be poison ivy.
I`m the opposite of psychic. I don`t even know what I`m thinking! ;)
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
Son, you don`t get anything in life without trying hard and working for it. Now be quiet, there about to announce the lottery results...
I Don`t Care If you Don`t Like Me .. Iam Not A Facebook Status :D