Daily Silly Status

I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.

Every time a clerk asks "Did you find everything you need?" I always answer "No, I couldn`t find a hug"

If a bra is called an `Over the shoulder bolder holder,` then would you call men`s underwear `Under the butt nut hut?`

Pick a woman with wits. Wits will never sag.

I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it`s just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I`m drunk.

I was going to do some spring cleaning, but the snow has ruined it for me.

I guess “Trying to be” isn’t really the answer the doctor was looking for when he asked if I was sexually active.

Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?

You know nothing about a woman until she`s drunk and mad at you

Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it “Decisions, Decisions”.

How do we not have lightsabers yet? Its like scientists aren´t even trying.

I don`t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath

There`s no WE in pizza.

Common sense has become so rare it should be classified as a superpower.