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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.
I saw a poor old lady fall over today, at least I presume she was poor, she only had $ 1,20 in her purse
If I could just make one thing very clear at this point ... I would.
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
So I ran into an old girlfriend who I dated who`s new boyfriend she was with looked exactly like me when I was seeing her. You know, miserable
Let`s face it. Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari.
So can we just skip to summer now?
I thought an emu was when you sent someone a cow via cyber mail.
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
I ordered myself an Eastern European bride online. SO EXCITED. Just received confirmation… My Czech is in the mail!
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.
As far as distractions go ... I like to think I`m a good one.
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn`t stolen.
There should be a law requiring the cashier to high five you every time you buy a box of condoms.