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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
So apparently the numbers on the toaster are minutes? I`ve thought for years it was degree of toasty-ness.
This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Perhaps Voldemort’s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
Oh, he uses you for sex? Stop bitching…Sex is awesome. Complain when he’s using you for laundry….. or a human shield.
I am a little worried that every "evacuation route" sign is leading away from my house.
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
I`m so bored at work that I`m actually doing my job.
Being married is 90% talking about what to have for dinner.
I think Facebook is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.
You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma`am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
Your name should be Gelette because you`re the best a man can get
NASA has confirmed that December 21, late afternoon, the sky will be very dark. It is an interesting phenomenon called "night".
Apparently, the average person looks at their phone 150 times a day. Not me. I look at it just once. For about 12 hours.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it